One of the most common and toughest questions I get when facilitating conflict processes or workshops is how to handle non-receptive parties in conflict. A quick note that I am not including cases of abuse - whether physical, emotional or otherwise - that require a different kind of support and intervention. But when you feel you’ve tried all your positive conflict resolution skills with someone who is resistant or antagonistic, what do you do?
We might think about this as having a “first string” of players that we try to utilize as much as possible and then we have our alternative or bench players we call in if things go awry. We don’t necessarily need to have exhausted our entire A-team – to continue with the sports metaphor – but when we feel we’ve tried a number of constructive practices and still aren’t making progress, we might pull out these other approaches:
· Name the Standstill: As a start, we can explicitly acknowledge that we’re feeling stuck and ask how they want to proceed. Surfacing this feeling can create empathy by drawing attention to your hope for resolution and not knowing how to achieve it. It may also put the ball in their court (again with the sports metaphors!) and take some pressure off you coming up with yet another approach to try. You never know – they may surprise you with a brilliant idea for what to do next… or at least an acceptable one.
· Take a Break: We’ll talk later about taking more substantial space away but, depending on the relationship, you may be well served by limiting interaction with this person for a while and both having some distance from the conflict. Agree on a time to revisit the conversation that hits a sweet spot between having time to decompress but not letting it stew and fester. Again, it depends on the relationship and circumstances: if you live or work together maybe just a few hours or a day away is doable. But whatever it is, some time apart can change the energy and charge of a conflict, even with someone who seems unlikely to budge.
· Get an Outside Perspective: One way this could look is getting help from someone with conflict expertise, whether that be a mediator, other conflict practitioner, or just someone skilled in your community who is impartial. Perhaps you turn to the support of a larger network, especially if they are shared by you and the other person. Aim to be upfront about including someone else or agree to it together beforehand, as you want to tread carefully around what could be viewed as gossiping. Another way this could look is turning to a friend or other trusted person, a total outsider to the conflict, and confidentially sharing with them. This is NOT looking for a person to vent to or who will simply affirm your grievance. Rather, we are looking for someone with fresh eyes to notice things we haven’t, including how we may have contributed to the state things are in. Be clear that you’d like them to play this role and pick the right person; your biggest cheerleader might be an additional resource, but here you want someone more inclined to see multiple angles and willing to challenge you – in a productive way, of course.
· Determine your BATNA: The idea of a BATNA, or best alternative to negotiated agreement, originally comes from the famous book about negotiation, Getting to Yes, by Roger Fisher and William Ury, but was recently reintroduced to me in another book, Dignity by Donna Hicks. In that book, Hicks discusses how we can make hard decisions with limited options, after your first – or maybe several – attempts to resolve a conflict are not working. We can think of our BATNA as being our next best outcome to what we really want to happen, but it may also end up being the least harmful choice among poor choices. Hicks uses an example of conflict with a supervisor and explains how you might need to decide between very unappealing options, like speak up and risk losing your job or say nothing, which might allow the issue to persist. I’m inclined to think there’s always a third way but sometimes that’s not our reality and it’s worth being practical and prepared about what risks or sacrifices we’re willing to make. Hicks does note that there are things we can do to mitigate harm and preserve our dignity in these moments, but that we ought to be honest about the possibility of these situations arising.
· Set a Boundary: If nothing else seems effective we may need to set a significant boundary within our control, including cutting off contact with this person or severely limiting it. Kai Cheng Thom, a wonderful conflict practitioner and writer, uses the metaphor of a starfish. When a starfish breaks apart, sometimes it can come back together as an intact whole and sometimes it stays separate but regenerates its lost parts. Either way, it is not destroyed. Thom’s point is that the same should be true in fractured relationships – we might be able to repair or we may stay separate but we need not destroy each other in the process. And a boundary can certainly shift– we don’t need to hold it the rest of our lives. Though they may feel painful in the moment, these boundaries are often the healthiest route in the long term.
I’d like to believe that most of the time you won’t need to turn to these approaches because your empathetic listening, articulating needs, and other courageous conflict practices will work their magic and transform even the hardest conflicts. But I know life can be messy and complicated and at the end of the day, we can’t make others change if they can’t or don’t want to. What we can do is be compassionate with ourselves in these tough moments and draw on these “second string” strategies to forge onward, as best as we can.