When I am asked to facilitate a restorative process for a group experiencing conflict, I begin by inquiring about what the group has done in the past to build relationships and trust. Usually the answer is very little or nothing and, frankly, I’ve come to expect that. This does not mean that groups with strong relationships experience no conflict – in fact, they may have a lot of it! The difference is they tend to be well-equipped to manage it internally. Trying to gain a sense of trust when it was never there is much more difficult than repairing relationships where some level of trust existed. And so I find myself constantly urging groups to invest in practices that foster a relational culture, wishing that it didn’t take a blow-up of destructive conflict to make this a priority.
The writer and facilitator, adrienne maree brown, has been an eloquent teacher of these lessons. One of the core principles from her book, Emergent Strategy is “Move at the speed of trust. Focus on critical connections more than critical mass – build the resilience by building the relationships.” We probably don’t need much convincing of these ideas if we’re thinking about romantic partners, friends, or family, but in workplaces or other communities we may be less bought-in. One might think, it’s about the work, what we’re organizing around. How we get along is secondary. But just because our primary purpose is not to have a good relationship with each other, it remains no less essential to our success in reaching collective goals.
I worked with a team a few years ago that was experiencing debilitating conflict and a toxic culture that was causing staff to quit or seriously consider doing so. It began when a new manager was hired over an internal candidate, a sore point for many team members. There were several other dynamics that set the stage for what was to come, including essentially no onboarding process for the manager. But a glaring flag to me was learning that there had been no intentional space for her to build community with and within the rest of the team. A combination of factors contributed to this: the team was remote because of the pandemic, there was a push to stay on top of the team’s load leaving little time for anything else. But the result was undeniable; a lack of relationships fed mistrust, gossip replaced direct conversations, and the climate continued to deteriorate until the point that myself and a co-facilitator were brought in, when things felt truly untenable.
Unfortunately, we can’t magically create healthy, trusting relationships through one workshop or specific intervention. The process takes time. As brown says, “Move at the speed of trust.” That might mean an hour-long meeting to make a decision doesn’t actually take an hour and we decide either to stay longer or schedule additional time to ensure the group has space to be heard and to wrestle with hard questions. That might mean taking time away from the set agenda to prioritize checking in and getting to know how people are doing. That might mean integrating day-to-day practices that will help maintain good relationships, whether that is celebrating wins, discussing how to give and receive feedback, team lunches, projects where people can meaningfully collaborate, skill- or knowledge-shares, or opportunities for mentorship, among many options.
This process will never be one-and-done; it takes consistent effort. If connection and trust is established, it needs to be sustained, especially amidst challenges like budget cuts, changing priorities, or staff turnover. If trust is breached, it needs to be rebuilt. As new members of a group come in, there must be effort to include them. It is not easy or quick, and I suspect that’s some of the reason why many groups fail to take it on. Still, the value cannot be understated.
There is a growing body of research studying the impacts of high trust and healthy relationships on workplace satisfaction and other related measures. This article cites various studies and notes “The evidence shows that positive social connections at work—supportive interactions, a sense of belonging, and effective teamwork—improve worker well-being and can protect against harmful effects of workplace stress.” It also noted positive impacts on retention, productivity, and experiencing meaning in one’s work.
It is tempting to put off investment in connection and relational culture under the pressure of deliverables, serving the mission, and organizing campaigns. But all of that is endangered when a foundation of trust and relationship is absent. As for when it is there, it makes the wins sweeter, the losses more manageable, and the struggle worthwhile.