If I apply polarity thinking to realism and idealism, I understand that what feels “realistic” is constantly changing and being shaped by what feels “idealistic.” I appreciate how idealism pulls realism out of a stuck-ness that would accept an unjust status quo at the same time as I appreciate how realism tethers idealism to the ground to help it come into being. They are not sides to choose between or a problem to be solved. One is not good and right while the other is bad and wrong. They are a complex and ever-interacting pair.

What are the seeds that need tending in order for buds to emerge from the soil? What needs support to grow into its prime? Where are we holding on too tightly to the way things have been and how might creative destruction, the clearing of deadwood, bring about something unexpected and new?

The idea of simply imagining a future radically different from our present reality can feel naïve, foolish, or fantastical. But at other times it feels audacious, empowering, and tremendously courageous.

When you feel you’ve tried all your positive conflict resolution skills with someone who is resistant or antagonistic, what do you do? We might think about this as having a “first string” of players that we try to utilize as much as possible and then we have our alternative or bench players we call in if things go awry.

Trying to gain a sense of trust when it was never there is much more difficult than repairing relationships where some level of trust existed. And so I find myself constantly urging groups to invest in practices that foster a relational culture, wishing that it didn’t take a blow-up of destructive conflict to make this a priority.

If we can listen actively during conflict or discomfort those narratives get disrupted and we can settle into a grounded reality about what’s going on, why there is tension, what has gone wrong or needs repair. From there we can identify our core needs as well as those of whoever else is involved, which begins to open pathways forward.

When conflict crops up within a group that has trusting relationships and shared values at its core that is a whole different ballgame than with a group that doesn’t.

Conflict can be deceiving. What we may identify as the source of a conflict, what’s on the surface, is rarely what is motivating it at the root. When, instead, we look to the core needs and values we are trying to meet, we unlock the key the conflict and open up more expansive possibilities for transforming it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about leadership lately, as part of my professional work and my personal life. I find it’s easy to lose empathy for the demands of leaders when you are disappointed by them and it is equally easy to discount the opinions of those you lead as being shortsighted and based on an incomplete understanding.

Jane may know a little more about conflict than the average person, but beyond the helpful steps she took before and during this exchange, she did something that all of us can do: have the courage to address conflict head-on.

I was doing something that I had talent for and interest in as well as something that would require me to learn and grow. The biggest skill I was developing was the ability to sit in uncertainty, unease, and even to celebrate it.

The beauty of reflection is that even when it feels too late, there’s almost always something to be gained by making this a priority.

Restorative justice demands the same kind of accountability and repair for harms and state violence toward large groups of people as it does between individuals. Only if restorative justice and conflict transformation can speak to these collective harms and wrongdoings, will it guide us toward a vision of a more liberated and just world.

We are not bad people just because we do hurtful things. In fact, admitting our wrongs and working to correct them is celebrated. It requires the often uncomfortable work of self-reflection and accountability but that is viewed as sacred work.

For me, Juneteenth is an opportunity to celebrate the tremendous resilience of Black Americans throughout this country’s history; to honestly examine the devastating impacts of systemic racism and racial violence in our country and take action to counteract them; and to recommit to a vision of justice and collective liberation.

If conflict were a human being (and not an abstract idea) and you saw it heading your way, what would you do?

Usually we pay a lot of attention to our thoughts and react quickly based on them. But how often do we pause to examine our whole body response?

If we receive messages that when we make mistakes we are bad people, it dramatically decreases the chance that we will genuinely own up to those mistakes. If we don’t have models and structures for taking accountability, many of us will “shame-spiral,” and get so caught up in that shame that we don’t do any of the work of accountability and repair.

I believe restorative and transformative justice have much to offer us in the way of these alternative visions and practices. I also know there are many others who have been thinking through these questions far longer than I have and, for this month, I’d like to share a few pieces highlighting those voices.

I do not believe you can recreate in-person experiences virtually, but I also do believe that online collaboration and training can still be effective and meaningful.