Conflict can be deceiving. What we may identify as the source of a conflict, what’s on the surface, is rarely what is motivating it at the root. When, instead, we look to the core needs and values we are trying to meet, we unlock the key the conflict and open up more expansive possibilities for transforming it.
Imagine two kids fighting over a toy, a familiar experience for me as I navigate the joys and stresses of parenting a toddler. Each kid wants the toy but there is only one of it – and therein lies the conflict. But what if those kids were asked to identify what needs or values of theirs were being impacted? Maybe they would talk about fairness, an important value for children especially. Maybe they would identify autonomy (if their vocabulary was a bit more advanced) because they want to make their own choices about what they play with and when. Or maybe they are seeking belonging and the toy kerfuffle is getting in the way of a deeper desire to fit in with others. Or perhaps they are just seeking optimum fun and that toy seems like the coolest and only thing that can achieve that.
This shift in thinking comes to me from two main sources. Conflict theorist John Burton writes about how social conflict, including large-scale intractable conflict, derives from unmet needs. Those needs, that all humans share, include the physiological, like air, food, and water, but also include those related to meaning, connection, freedom, and security. Marshall Rosenberg’s popular practice and corresponding book, Nonviolent Communication, outlines how communication that is centered around our needs builds empathy and connection while creating more room for mutually satisfying outcomes.
I find these principles to be quite clarifying when I am in conflict or supporting others in it. When a housemate stops doing a household chore, is the underlying need or value about cleanliness and order in our shared space? Or is it about contribution and equality of labor? Or is it an indication of a greater breakdown in trust within that relationship? Is it a mix of these?
This matters, in part, so we can get beyond obvious solutions that might look like… just start doing this chore again! When we center around what really matters to us, we see a wider array of options to tend to it. Perhaps we split household labor in a different way. Or we spend time reinvesting in the relationship, building in quality time to have more positive experiences together. We might still land on a conversation about the housemate doing the chore more diligently. But if we’ve gotten there from a discussion of our deeper needs – both of ours - we’ve been guided by a mutual investment in the success of our community/relationship/home, which is very different than issuing an ultimatum or demand.
Sometimes this focus on needs can feel individualistic. What about things I care about and want in the world but that impact others more urgently? Or concern beyond the human – about our environment and all living creatures within it? In these cases, I think of collective values more than individual needs. In conflict, including on a macro scale, how can we ground in the shared values we want to see in the world: equity, justice, compassion, interdependence – or whatever that might be for you and your communities. What changes when we are guided by those values as an opening to addressing whatever conflict has erupted and as a map to the future we want to see?
Wherever you encounter conflict – from a pile of dirty dishes to dirty practices within an organization – concentrating on our needs and values can be a north star that allows us to embrace conflict as generative and find creative ways to move through it.