There are all kinds of groups we navigate in day-to-day life. They may be teams at work, a book club, a friend group, a space where we volunteer or organize, or our families. Usually in my workshops I focus on interpersonal conflict, but navigating conflict within groups has its own complexities that warrant their own newsletter (or, let’s be honest, their own encyclopedia).
Before even diving into conflict, we should consider the proactive ways we are nurturing relationships within this group. My learning in restorative philosophy and systems has taught me that we should put far more energy, time, and resource into this kind of community building. That develops a sturdy foundation and it is preventative: with that stable base, we minimize the instances of harm and, when conflict arises, we have a fundamental level of trust to stand on.
Tending to this foundation can look many different ways. It may be holding time for check-ins to see how people are doing and what’s going on in their lives. It can be a practice of offering appreciations for each other or for your collective as a whole. It might be establishing and reinforcing agreements of how you want to be together and honing in on your shared values as a group. And sometimes it’s simply an infusion of fun and joy – an outing, a dance party, a celebratory meal.
A skeptic may look at this list and think, that stuff is all well and good but it’s not going to stop conflict from happening. And that is absolutely right – it won’t stop conflict from happening. Nor would we want it to! As I’ve shared in earlier writing, conflict is vital and can be tremendously generative. But when conflict crops up within a group that has trusting relationships and shared values at its core that is a whole different ballgame than with a group that doesn’t. This positive core helps us do conflict well not avoid it altogether.
When there is conflict, we should pay attention to what dynamics might be contributing, especially patterns we notice over time. Is there often gossip or side conversations that pile onto whatever the original issue was? Does your group tend to be conflict avoidant, each person waiting for someone else who has the “right” words or simply the courage to raise it? Is the conflict a symptom of unequal power among individuals or a majority sub-group that has set the dominant culture?
Identifying these patterns is the first step to disrupting them and replacing them with more effective practices. A valuable source to turn to is N’Tanya Lee’s framework of Principled Struggle, which you can view on the last page of this helpful resource. This framework is rooted in Marxism and supports greater unity within movements for justice. I find it also offers value for all kinds of group spaces.
One of the items from this approach is “Side conversations should help us get better understanding, not check out (test: could I bring the essence of this to the group?).” I find this a helpful way of reflecting on a very normal phenomenon where smaller groups talk privately about challenges in a larger group. Sometimes it uncovers insights and gives a space for processing that allows everyone to show up with renewed commitment to working through those challenges all together. Sometimes it causes things to fracture even more. Usually asking that question – could I bring the essence of this to the group – gives you a good sense of where it falls.
Another part of the framework states, “be honest and direct – while holding compassion.” I often share some version of this idea when discussing communication in conflict. Many of us get tripped up by a false choice between being nice but talking around a conflict or being very clear and straightforward without care for how it impacts others. It may not feel easy or perfect but we can and should seek to be truthful while still being thoughtful about how it will land with others and leaving lots of space for everyone to respond openly.
Our communities hold so much abundance: power to effect change, a network of support in tough times, a sense of belonging around shared interests. The more we tend to the relational core and welcome in productive conflict, the more they can continue to flourish and accomplish these vital goals.