There is a Cuban proverb I love that goes, “Listening looks easy, but it’s not simple. Every head is a world.” So much is captured within these twelve words: that listening is something most of us do every day, many times a day, but to do it well requires a level of intention and effort we rarely afford it. “Every head is a world” can refer to how hard it is to filter information through the world of our own heads or just as poignantly speak to how hard it is to truly understand all the complexity someone else contains.
Listening well is a skill that serves us in all parts of our lives, but it is especially valuable amidst conflict or uncomfortable conversations; these also tend to be the times when listening is most difficult. In addition to the everyday factors that can get in the way of attentive listening – distractions, competing thoughts, limited mental capacity or time – conflict can cause our bodies’ survival instincts to kick in. As our bodies try to protect us from a perceived threat, there is little energy for or access to the parts of our brains that can see multiple perspectives, practice empathy, or stay focused on a task. We may fall into a thought pattern like defensiveness, self-blame, or attack that absorbs everything into that narrative, unable to discern the nuance of what’s happening.
At the same time, if we can listen actively during conflict or discomfort those narratives get disrupted and we can settle into a grounded reality about what’s going on, why there is tension, what has gone wrong or needs repair. From there we can identify our core needs as well as those of whoever else is involved, which begins to open pathways forward. The act of listening with openness and presence also models care and interest to others; it is a gesture of investment in the relationship or at least in the process of working through the challenges at hand together.
So how can we practice intentional listening, particularly during conflict? One technique is to avoid “name that tune” listening. Imagine you’re listening to the radio or Spotify and you hear the first few notes of a song. Often, you’ll run through a mental catalogue to determine if you know this song and, if so, begin to fill in the rest. You know how it goes, the chorus, the end. How often do we do the same when listening? If we hear the first few words someone says, do we jump ahead with the confidence that we know where they’re going, we’ve heard some version of this before? I certainly struggle with this and have to consciously remind myself not to begin crafting counterarguments before I’ve even heard all of what someone is sharing. The more I can recognize this habit and name it - I’m playing “name that tune” or I’m listening to respond instead of staying present - the better I’m able to return to attentive listening.
Another technique is reflecting back what someone has said and then checking whether our understanding is correct. This pushes us to focus on what someone else is communicating with the hope that a) we are accurately understanding and b) they view us as trustworthy and collaborative partners in working through any conflict we’re encountering. Those of us that are familiar with this approach may be used to reflecting back in our own words, perhaps to show we’re not just parroting back what we’ve heard without absorbing it. You might also experiment with using their words as much as possible. Because every head is a world and we’re always interpreting through our own lens, we may change the meaning when we translate into our own words. Either approach can be effective and I encourage you to try them both.
To prepare for times of conflict and perhaps intense emotion, we likely have countless opportunities to practice listening well each day. As a start, you could consider picking one moment or exchange each day to attempt this kind of active listening. Maybe it’s a quick check-in with a friend or family member. Maybe it’s in a meeting. Maybe it’s even an overheard conversation while waiting in line. Active listening is a muscle and the more conditioning we do for it, the stronger and more resilient it will be when we’ve got to lift those heavy weights.